What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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