In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Randomize
