I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
