the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
