I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
