We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
