i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
