When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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