We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
