Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
