I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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