Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
