Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm always down for nudity.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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