Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize