awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
