Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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