and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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