She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
