Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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