I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
