This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
