My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
