I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
