some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize