you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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