And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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