the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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