Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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