"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
