this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm too high and old for this...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
