Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
