so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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