I accidentally had phone sex last night
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
