My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
