its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
