i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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