dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
