I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I AM VODKA MAN
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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