i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
