He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize