If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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