Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
