Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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