They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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