im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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