i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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