my phone needs a breathalizer
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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