How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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