my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
