i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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