all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
