would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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