My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
