The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
