That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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