I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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