im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
