A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
