If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
