Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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