I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
