I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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